The Dysfunctional Model: tough love, control, authority, manipulation and compliance.
The Functional Model: respect, trust, validation, recognition, acknowledgment, unconditional love, approval and forgiveness.
You were handed a dysfunctional parenting model which was given to your parents. Each generation has passed down the dysfunctional parenting model. They did not know there was a different model nor did they know how to break the pattern which has been recycling itself for many thousands of years.
The vicious circle continues to this day recycling itself through parents who do not even know why their children will not listen to them and act out of control. The parents pass on the same dysfunctional parenting model to their children due to the fact they do not know what unconditional love forgiveness, recognition and acceptance is. They treat their children the same way they were treated. The dysfunctional parenting program is passed on from generation to generation with no recognition they are destroying their children’s lives before they are four years old. The children have been programmed to fail in relationships with themselves and their peers and they do not even know it is happening. Children end up in gangs, crime and drugs looking for acceptance and recognition they should have received from their parents. Many children become introverted and shut down looking for validation with success in school work. Quite often they do not get this acceptance from their parents or teachers either. Children react because they are asking for unconditional love which their parents do not know how to provide for their children. It is getting worse with both parents working leaving their children with out supervision.
Children are born with the knowledge of the seven qualities of love contained in the functional parenting model. It is like a stock program that is installed in their operating system before they wee born. Since they know what they are asking for they assume mother should know what they want. There is a major conflict in this situation. Mother does not know what the child is asking for so she can not provide love, acceptance and recognition. It was deleted and reprogrammed out of her mind’s files by the time she was four years old. Her children will meet the same plight by the time they are four too. We can not blame our parents for their failure to provide love for us if they did not know what it was.
The child assumes mother is right. She is the authority figure in the child’s life so he/she begins to see love as any strong form of attention. It does make any difference how the attention is expressed. It could be verbal or physical abuse. If we get no attention our mind views love as indifference because adults do not know how to provide acceptance and recognition to the child. Even if the parents provide quality time, does the child perceive it in this manner? There is a catch in this also. Parents and adults can act like they are giving love, acceptance, recognition and validation to the child, but if the child is unable to accept it from them it will not be received. If the parents are not really being authentic in their in their intention it will not work. You can not give something you do not have. If you have an incongruent attitude and belief originating and broadcasting from your inner self and you can not walk your own talk it will not be accepted by the child. Children are very intuitive so they know what we are thinking and feeling even if we do not know it ourselves. I have seen this over and over with adults whose parents were not able to spend quality time with them as children. They may exist in survival but they are not functional happy adults. Most of time they do not even know it because the way they grew up was the only way they experienced life. If you do not have perspective in which to evaluate where you are then it seems as if your behavior is all right. We have an amazing ability to delude ourselves to convince ourselves where we are perfectly acceptable. You can not fool children they know where you are coming from. When you reprogram them to see life your way through authority control and compliance they lose their understanding of what the seven qualities of love are. The dysfunctional program is now locked in to the next generation. This goes on and on and on until the dysfunctional pattern is broken.
In the first year children try to get mother to respond but do not get the requested recognition. So they keep trying. Children do not give up until they get rejected so many times they finally decide they do not want to get mistreated any longer. In the second year they get angry and frustrated because they feel mother is withholding love and denying them this very important feeling they are accepted and recognized. This is what causes the terrible two’s. Mother is dealing with a frustrated child who feels she/he is rejected because there something wrong with them. The more they try to get acceptance, love and recognition the more irritated mother gets because she can’t control the child. She can only use the parenting program she knows so she seeks to get control by using her authority to demand compliance by the child. At this point some children will rebel and act out because they know they can not trust mother to provide them the recognition they want. Social science and psychiatry label them RAD Radical associative disorder and they attempt to stop their behavior with drugs. All they want is respect, recognition, acceptance and love. This would solve the whole reactive conflict.
A good example of this is a fourteen year old boy who is very reactive when he feels rejected or does not get what he wants. He is creating problems disrupting his classes at school so the principle wants to suspend him. The parents are told they must give him Ritalin which is a psycho active drug to control his behavior. They are having conflicts at home too, yet they do not know what to do about it. I explained to the mother what was causing the conflict and that it could be resolved in a session or two with my system. I also told her we would have to work with her too. He was acting this way because she could not provide the type of attention, recognition and love that he wanted. She decided to take my recommendation and set up a session with me for herself and her son. In one session with the mother we achieved balance and released all her anger and resentment at her mother from childhood and reinstalled a functional parenting program in her mind. With the son it took time because he was adopted. We had to release all the anger, resentment and rejection from the birth mother. Then we could begin on the patterns with the adopted family. Adopted children do not trust anybody. They have fear of getting close to their adopted parents since they were rejected once so it may happen again. This causes fear of intimacy and commitment which is carried on into adult life. We achieved success in three sessions. He is now a normal teenager doing well in school and getting along with his parents very well.
This is the first article in a series on parenting. It is an effort to stop recycling the dysfunctional parenting program which has been handed down and passed on for thousands of years. Children are born with the seven qualities of love, yet in less than four years our parents have deleted an effective program for success in our life. We feel frustrated and angry at our parents since they refused to give us love, attention and recognition, yet we do not even know our mind is programmed with anger and resentment in this manner. It never gets corrected since we don’t know it is programmed in our mind. We struggle through life not knowing our parents destroyed our life before we started school. There are people who succeed against all odds against them. How do they do it? Dr. Art Martin has been working with a system for 25 years to help people break out of the dysfunctional parenting program.